An Altar Will Alter Our Lives...

Looking back at many of my musings, I am reminded, it is like the Israelites who created altars of remembrance of the movement upon their hearts of their Lord. Indeed it seems my musings are similar events, altars of sorts, believing that some might be blessed by these, my footprints as my altars through life. Yet, as I look back, there are so many events and workings that have not been recorded, the most evident, the void of mentioning the struggles, our struggles of my beloved wife, Carrie and I, together. Maybe it is partly because on the surface, it doesn't seem as such a struggle, or the fact that I enjoy having her around as I find myself unemployed, working around the house, but no one on earth is more wonderful and lovely as she.

Today, we will find out the results of her MRI (magnetic resonance image) taken of her spine last week. While she has not experienced great pain, Carrie is unable to work her job as a nurse, being off now for nearly three months. Unable to travel long distances in a car comfortably, unable to work at the computer for more than brief episodes, unable to lift and carry heavy objects like grocery bags, she finds herself reduced to light duty around the house with her husband around to help with many of the tasks that, in the past, she could accomplish normally by herself. Yes, I am thankful that I have the time to be with her and help 'normalize' things like shopping trips, but, while the great stress and difficulty she had in working is gone, the stress of the unknown, the future of her job, and just the living the possibility of change, is challenging.

I find myself troubled that I have not shared much of this struggle, selfishly immersed in my own, but as we await the answers and the future, we are fully facing what may be a life changing event. In some ways like the day we discovered she was expecting our first son, the words from her neurologist may change our lives forever. There is a possibility of the need for surgery (the results of such often poor), or the potential that it could just take a year of rest and recovery for her to get close to 'normal'. Yes, God could reveal a non issue, the MRI showing just a need for more physical therapy and a continued respite from work until the inflammation can fully calm down, but even this will require changes in her life such that the pinched nerve and the degeneration surrounding it, does not return if she is to return to work.

So, we sit at a precipice, waiting for the next step, wondering if it will be a small one or a step into a chasm. I have such peace about it, and maybe that is why I have not relegated frequent, prominent musings about this situation, or, maybe it is because like a typical human, I just get too immersed in myself. Sure, the results of the test could curtail my trip to Bosnia, and, though my son says he is willing to care for his mother during my time away, I feel the Lord will open or close the door on this trip with the results from this test.

The wonderful mother of our children, the amazing administrative yet caring nurse, the perfect spouse and lover of this soul, the beautiful servant of God to others, is waiting, looking to God for what is next. Asking questions like, "Will I be able to return to work?" or "What will happen if I can't, my disability and sick leave running out?" And, yes, these questions rise within me as well.

Yet, I remain amazed. Thankful. Hopeful. These feelings exist because I have a God who performs miracles and healing. I have a God who uses all things in life for His glory, all struggles, all blessings, all events. If we really wrestle deeply within our souls, we sense and feel like there is a tremendous leap of meaning between the animals and us humans. There is something that gives our lives and living more meaning than the other organisms on this planet, and for those of us with eyes to see, a greater calling and way to make our lives count for a glory much larger than ourselves, the glory of our God.

Carrie and I will walk through this day together. God has brought us together for His purposes and His glory. So thankful am I for His provision through her; adding a richness and beauty to my life as none other could. Indeed, I find myself standing at yet another construction place of an altar. Will it be an altar of blessing? or one of angst? All I know is that I have to tools to construct it, and will have an answer soon. Either way, an altar of praise or an altar of challenge, it will be an altar that will alter our lives. All praise and glory to the God of whom I am His servant.