Blog in This Fog

It feels like fog has descended upon my brain as I wade through the learning process of medical intervention for my aging dad.  He, heading toward his 78th birthday had his pancreas removed a year and a quarter ago due to pancreatic cancer.  Nearly perishing on the operating table, he survived the surgery doing so with amazing resiliency. A year later, intestinal pain and CT scans seemed to indicate cancer had returned, so radiation was initiated and completed on my nutritionally emaciated 'pops' and he continued living.  He has beaten 80% of all pancreatic cancer patients by surviving longer than a year.  His wonderful oncologist says he is clear of cancer, but we see his quality of life, due to increased malnutrition seemingly requiring some sort of possible intervention.

A five foot four one hundred-forty pound man tipped the scales at 99 pounds recently.  Hugging him was like hugging a skeleton with skin, every bone protruding through thread like muscle, his arteries pulsing away, clearly bulging just beneath the skin surface.  It has been hard watching the robust dad you love slowly waste away before your eyes.  He seemed to be on the 'slippery slope' towards the end, only because he had no desire to eat.

Prayerfully, my brother and I sought the wisdom of our Lord for the care of our beloved father.  One of us tries to attend every doctor visit (he a 6 hour drive and I an hour and a half drive away).  We feel compelled as an extra set of ears in response to his care and on several occasions, because of our presence, dad was rapidly admitted to the hospital for intervention due to the fragile precipice he stood on, the cliff of dangerous malnutrition.  He had beaten cancer, the only issue remaining?  Not the absence of a pancreas.  Not being slammed with radiation in his emaciated state and still recovering (another miracle). The only issue remaining is that of nutrition.  All his doctors seemed slightly confused. But whenever we paint the picture of dad's story, they feel he is worth rescuing, each step a temporary reprieve until this recent bout.

His taste buds altered from radiation, and his body growing toxic from malnutrition stilting all desire to eat we wonder; Can this be turned around?  Is it worth it?  These questions rose in our hearts as we tried to take in the complete picture of all that stood before us, an aged, skeletal man, blasted time after time with enormous challenges at every turn, slightly depressed (who wouldn't be?), unsatisfied with his quality of life.  We are not people desperate to keep our father alive.  We do not fancy heroics if no quality of life results, and thus our struggle. 

Nutritional interventions were three.  N.G. (Nasal Gastric) tube (short term intervention), P.E.G. (Percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy) procedure (our preferred choice) and T.P.N. (total parenteral nutrition) administered through a P.I.C.C. (percutaneously inserted central catheter).

Most of us are familiar with NG.  It is the feeding tube run up your nose and down to your stomach. Simply stated the PEG connects a part of your stomach to the skin making a hole for direct addition of 'food' into the stomach without chewing or swallowing.  Over 100,000 of these are performed a year in the U.S.  The TPG has pharmacy make up bags of 'nutrition' that is directly infused into the blood stream via the PICC over an 8 hour period providing complete nutritional sustenance for a day.  The only issue is that if one doesn't eat something, the digestive tract shuts down and a host of other issues arise, and most feel totally satiated, eating becoming a difficult endeavor, unless some 'compromise' is achieved, a balance of eating and TPG.

We have learned so much, assisted by my lovely and wonderfully intelligent bride who works as a pediatric RN.  God has clearly provided us with the means to capture a good image of our dad's health and struggle through the year.  Our faith posits life steeped in reality.  Living here is not forever.  Every day, while cherished with our loved ones, is not worth living without some quality found in it.  So here, we find ourselves dealing with the quality of earthly existence for mom, dad and us.

Our only spiritual concern is our parent's absence of relationship between God and themselves, but even there, it is a decision they must make, a choice between them and God.  Sure, I pray for, live for and hope for their arrival.  The desire of many in our family is that they see what we clearly see as we engage our heavenly Father in life and living.  He transforms this life from a simple doing and existence to a worthwhile part of eternal living with holy, righteous character provided through grace and by relationship with He alone.

Footprints of faith are being walked as I blog in this fog I find myself moving through.  Life isn't always clear, but God helps me through the fogginess bringing clarity as I engage Him, His wisdom, His guidance, His light brought into my life.  He is forging in me a gentle spirit, reasonable but determined as I work with doctors, nurses, the plethora of staff intended on providing dad with the best of care, thanking them at every opportunity, demonstrating sincere gratitude with their every effort, miniscule or mountainous.

As I blog in this fog, this soul stands because I am surrounded by others who care, invest in my education, doing amazing things for our family, blessed by God for His purposes.  As a pastoral intern, my greatest instruction and training comes from 'being there', living the struggles and I'm sure this one will be added to my 'repertoire' as He leads me to care for and with others.  Indeed, I am thankful for the leadings of the hand of God.  I trust Him, especially when I find myself 'in the fog' of life's challenging times.  What lie ahead?  Only He knows and I know I can trust the Almighty God for His leading.  Do you?