Seeking Solitude and Silence

An interesting discovery overtook me tonight. I found myself wound up, feeling tense, frustrated and disturbed. Having just arrived home from a worship rehearsal (I am the sound man for our Christmas Eve service) I found myself just wanting quiet; you know absence of noise? This is something that I have come to really appreciate, being at home mostly by myself until these past 6 weeks.

Carrie, my wife, off work because of a physical ailment is now home most of the day and while she does things, leaves the t.v. on walking away from it often. Even though I am at home a lot, I rarely watch the tube, and yes, we have a wonderful 50 inch plasma and a tube HD television in the family room as well. So, in my frustration, I grabbed my copy of "Leadership" Magazine and headed to another room to find some solitude, or mostly a absence of "Property Virgins" or QVC.

While reading, the article was discussing the lack of engaging in inner conversation. And it hit me. Sure, I have my quiet time in the morning and my usual early morning routine. I, and the dog, have the place to myself for several hours before she arises, and it is time I cherish. I, however, have gotten used to the fact that she also used to leave for work, leaving me even more time to control my environment, and the tube is never on. Not so now and with her home and in need of care, I find myself doing so much more. Which is exactly what the article was talking about. Its major premise? That leaders become ineffective when they become entangled in the busyness of business and pastors get entangled with ministry sans solitude.

That's it! I am suffering from lack of extended time wrestling with God about the direction of my life. I thought it was the Christmas shopping and doing for my lovely wife> I thought that I was approaching the holiday overload that always seems to hit me about now. But alas, it is the solitude I seem to be missing. My time alone with myself and my God. It seems I have had plenty of conversations my wife, my friends, and others as I search for a new career. All good conversations, but not enough of the solitude I need. My lack of writing demonstrates my lack of wrestling with all that is in me; wrestling that is with all that is within me and with the God that is within me as well.

Something tells me that I am going to need the time of solitude and deep inner conversation with God by the time February rolls around (I'm working at a pastor's retreat focused on Learning, Leisure and Listening then).I need to find that place of solitude; that place of refreshment, that place unencumbered by the overwhelming 'noise' of the world. May have to grab a bunch tomorrow. Surely need it now. I find myself longing for and seeking solitude and silence. Hopefully, I will arrive soon.