These weeks have be a bit numbing. Struggle after struggle, and I'm not complaining! I have plenty of friends facing incredibly greater strife and trials than mine! Yet, still, in the midst of my struggles, stinging leads to numbness with my countenance waning. As I left to try to continue to solve the tech issues at church this Santa Ana Sunday afternoon, Carrie sent me off with a pat and a hug sensing my dim demeanor and struggle. It hit me this afternoon, while sitting and pondering that a potential solution for my previous struggle might be on the horizon. I did a little more internet research and discovered that using another program, we might be able to accomplish the tasks we needed to do for church. Returning back to the sound booth, I fired up the computer and started down the path, remembering that it didn't work at my other church, for various reasons. But we had a few extra pieces of hardware that they didn't.
After working on it for about a half hour, it worked! My spirit rose within me, I found a numbing joy returning. Needing to share my success, I called my wife, who responded with excitement at the accomplishment of the new task, and the success she heard in my voice. Not understanding the detail, as she isn't computer savvy, she could heard in my voice new hope, and the rising satisfaction of finding the new way.
I will admit, it is difficult to slog away, continuing to look for a solution when it seems you have completely exhausted all the possibilities. I have found myself at these junctures with plethoric regularity. As the number of struggles pile up on me, I find myself nearly buckling under the load, and it is here, I find myself where I should have been at the start, empty, willing to listen, and available to receive any help that will come my way.
Psalm 121:1-2 says: My eyes look up to the hills— where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD, He who made heaven and earth.
When I have exhausted all my own ways, my own thoughts to solve my own issues, it is here I realize that I haven't given or fully surrendered the situation to God. I still am working in my own strength, trying to solve my own issues. Frequently, okay, always, I am not smart enough, nor have the resources, to do so. Like Moses being asked to lead the Israelites, like Peter stepping out on the water, like the blind man hoping to be healed, I have no power, not even a potential to accomplish the task. I still have several unsolved problems, and will have plenty more.
Carrie is still on disability and we still are not sure when she might be able to return to work. Yet, I am thankful that she isn't in a lot of pain and discomfort, but there will be challenges ahead, unsure of what they are or what answers will be to remedy her pinched nerve.
As I examine the priorities along with all that needs to be accomplished, I wait and work on the things before me, in the manner and time I have in a day. Many things must wait, and even some urgent ones are held hostage by situations beyond my control. So, I wait and listen. I seek and press ahead. I have learned that diligence in spite of despair brings answers, with a few of those answers being, no. How hard are you working? What do you do when you are stuck and answers seem elusive? I have found great wisdom and direction as I listen to my Lord. I hope you find He who brings me comfort, wisdom, and eyes to see myself in the midst of my struggle. For He helps me be diligent in spite of despair.
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