At this point in time, I find I have many Facebook friends having either a loved one in transition off planet, or surviving a recent loss of a loved one. Until we lose someone very dear and near to us, we just don't seem to think about or ponder the pain others are going through, and in many ways it makes us uncomfortable.
Having led grief recovery groups for over four years, now, my most recent event was colored by the relatively recent loss of my father and having my mom join us. And, it was all good.
Did my eyes well up in tears from time to time? Yes. Especially as a young lady, having recently lost her father tearfully shared about it. And yes, I could relate to her grief and welcomed her tearful, emotional expression of love demonstrated to us all. Our eyes of compassion connected to her heart as we just sat with her. We didn't have to say anything. Her tearful sharing brought touches of healing through the act.
While we sit in grief, the most effective thing anyone can do is to just sit with us in the moment. A nod of affirmation. A gentle hug. A great friend knows the love language of their friend in need and just offers it back to them. If your grieving friend is an encourager, speak simple words of encouragement, like "I am here for you", or "Its okay, don't apologize for your grief, let it be what is, real and hard". If your friend is a person of few words, and a doer, say little and just do what will help them next. If a hugger, hug. If a crier, cry with them. If a joker, find ways to lighten the moment, gently. A smile and a bit of laughter may go a long way. If they are a loner, let them be alone and be willing to stay near. Discover what they need and provide it for them. This is love in a grieving person's moments.
If you don't know the person, don't say anything. Get to know who they are. Listen. Listen some more. Don't act until you know. As you learn, do. The simplest thing is to help them do the next thing, or just sit with them with caring, unjudging eyes and heart, where they are, you there so they won't be alone.
Grief is the one thing ALL of us will probably experience and yet none of us talk about it. Every loss in every case is different and will hit us differently. There is no one way, one thing to say or one way to feel in the midst of grief or helping one in grief.
One of the many hardest things I did was drive away from my mom standing in front of her home knowing she would enter it empty after dad died. It hit me like a hurricane hitting shore. She had entered it empty before, when dad was hospitalized, but this emptiness would now remain permanent for the rest of her life. Questions raced through my mind. Visions of my mom crying herself to sleep. Numbness, solitude, the unknown. But we survived and she is now doing well. She admits that she is 'okay' (in semi-deflated tone), but she is bowling and has some good friends who surround her, some having lost their husbands years ago. And I am thankful for their presence in her life. They can help her in ways I can't...yet.
So if you took the time to read this blog, thank you. I hope you found it enlightening and helpful. I hope this might be part preparation, if you have yet to lose a loved one, or, if you have lost a dear loved one, a reminder or connection as you ponder your experience of loss and grief. Didn't the best comfort come from those who knew you and your life, speaking or doing with you as you do others?
The secret to being a great friend is knowing your friend and loving them the way they love you while sitting in comfort with them. Compassion is sharing passion. Coming alongside another relating to them as they relate to their world. Could it really be that simple? This is the greatest gift we could ever give, but might be the hardest thing we will ever do. But the hardest things done always reap the greatest rewards.
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