Leaning On My Heart

Kailua Beach
The place where dad, Rick and I body surfed probably some forty years ago

For me, many things feel right as I move through my days.  Often this feeling rises out of connections from past experience bringing comfort, ease and joy to my soul.  Having been here in Kaneohe, Hawaii many times, I find myself slipping back into the funny kind talk of locals, not trying to act like one, just immersed and going with the feel and flow, the heart of the people infecting me with aloha.  It just happens and while strange, hearing me talk more like a local, it is comforting and a bit shocking at the same time.

While driving to my office here at the McDonald's, and having been surrounded by constant Hawaiian versions of Christmas songs, I was strangely shocked by the singing of The Chipmunk Christmas Song with ukulele and smooth male voice.  It just wasn't right.  And while many things have just felt right here, as always, these feelings find balance in the opposite.  Always.

Having faced the shocking loss of my dad, and having spent many times here with both he and mom, this trip is woven with stitches of angst.  The loss of a great man leans on my heart with twinges of heaviness.  Haunted by the onslaught of aging ails I see in my favorite auntie and uncle and its logarithmic progression from a year ago, the hourglass sands of ohana rests in lower heap with trace above.  Sitting on the mantle of life, in the background, this too adds to the leaning of heaviness.

It is Monday, our nearing departure leaning on our hearts, this brief excursion with mom and brother to our island of ohana (family) will meet finale days away.   Just like the retirees, having gathered here for years, nineteen of them at first, shrinking to a pretty steady five and today minus one, some of our family have not been able to find their way to meet with us while we are here, this too leaning on my heart.

Many are the legitimate reasons for absence, both for the past gatherings of nineteen guys gathering at McDonalds to talk stories, to the absence of cousins and relatives here.  Some might think we stand around talking negative stories about their lives and choices, standing in judgement but that doesn't happen.  Some are consumed with their kids and activities, others the only time to get Christmas done being the weekends and hosts of other good reasons.  Rather than focus on their absence though, I am grateful for the many who made the sacrifice to instigate gatherings as well as make their way to the home of our auntie and uncle.

When dad was around, I would enjoy listening to him talk with various cousins and relatives learning about their lives, surrounding the conversations with his joyous and sincere laughter, warming them with his powerful smile.  Now I find transition into his shoes doing the same while also listening to my brother make and do similarly. Comfort rises in my heart and soul as conversation and just being together can only do, my cup filled  to overflowing with ohana.

Yesterday we joined our cousin Tammy at her church in Olomana, a small, sweet and spirit filled group of believers hugging rising comfort into my heart and soul.  As the presence of God filled their hearts and souls, as well as the gathering place, God's love poured into and overflowed my heart.  Jesus welcomed me with the loving arms of His children, connecting us with the life He has given them and me.  As long as I have Christ and ohana, life's challenges can lean on my heart never allowing it's crushing. As long as I continue and choose listen and submit myself to His leading and call, my past experience combined with the refreshing new ones will continue adding comfort to this venturing heart and soul, even while sobering, painful and growing discomfort leans on my heart.  If we look for it, a sincere sweetness rises even in the most painful of situations when embraced by the arms of God.

Without knowing it, those at Hope Chapel injected God's love and comfort into this soul, here, in Hawaii, missing the man who not only grew up here, but championed my growing up.  Dad always said that we are blessed, something I, like he, clearly state and regularly revel in.  Blessed and thankful.  Indeed, while this trip to the island mixes with memories and the making of more, these footprints of faith find their way away from the woman who is my world and the of missing her deeply leaning on my heart.  Yet as I sit here having been lavished in the love of my brother's friend and family here, both blood relative and relatives redeemed by blood of Christ, I find deep joy and satisfaction, God leading me here to be and do with those I love.  The leaning ails may press in yet connected to ohana, never overwhelm and crush us.